(PSA: I know that I have been slacking with these. I am going to do better about them because getting all these feelings out have been therapy.)
There have been many times in life that I have wanted to write this exact letter but I always thought that I could just talk to you and you would understand exactly what I was saying. I have learned many times that I am mistaken….so here goes.
First off, I have loved being your older sister. Being 6 years older than you has given me the opportunity to go out there and make a lot of mistakes in life and later be able to tell you how not to do what I did. Somewhere in all of this, you have gotten the idea that I would try to sabotage you in some way. I really do have the best intentions when I give you advice (that you ask for….might I add). It hurts my feelings that you will look at my advice as cray and let people who you KNOW mean you no good lead you into dumb and dangerous situations. You get mad because when you call me later and tell me that you should have listened to me…..I don’t really listen anymore. I hate to tell people “I told you so” and I hate talking to brick walls.
I feel as though a healthy brother/sister relationship was stolen from me the moment I turned 14. Both of our parents worked far from home and I had the responsibility of helping to raise you in their absence. Til this day you look at me as more of a parental figure than a sister and that bothers me. Even when they were home, I still had to handle issues going on at school, make sure you had everything done for school….teach you life lessons, lecture you when Mama and Daddy couldn’t make you listen. I much as I love them….I think they quit a little bit once I got older. I have to be honest that I feel a little bit of resentment because of that. I just wanted the chance to just be your sister. I still do. But I am going to be as real with you as I am with everyone I deal with. I am NEVER going to hold you up in bullshit….I owe more to you than that. I can’t support your self-destructive behavior…..so if that bothers you, you can wash your hands of me. I will still love you.
Your behavior in the weeks leading up to Mama’s death…..I can’t even begin to explain how hurt I still feel about that. I didn’t appreciate you telling everyone that I never did anything for her and that I never came to visit. I hope that made you feel better because it made me feel awful when people were coming at me sideways at the funeral. You know damn well I was there almost everyday those last 2 months…..even when you had every excuse in the world not be while at the same time telling Facebook a different story.
It would be so easy for me to wash my hands of you altogether. That scares me. So I have been trying to work on it. If you want to meet me halfway….I will be waiting. Please grow up soon. You will enjoy 21 better with a little maturity.