(NOTE: For reasons that many people who follow my blog are already aware of, I have put off writing this letter for almost a week. So now it is time to actually get these feelings out so that I can move forward with this already too long 30 day challenge, lol.)
It’s been a little over 4 months since you passed away. What I can I say? Things are definitely different now that you are gone. It’s amazing how I never really paid attention to how intertwined you were into my life. I guees that’s because I took for granted that you would always be here.
I remember like it was yesterday when you got diagnosed ….summer 2007. I remember that you went to go get some testing done and they found a mass in your lung. I just wanted to go to every appointment to keep you calm and make sure you weren’t freaking out. You found out definitely that it was cancer 2 days before my 24th birthday. You didn’t tell me because I was in Atlanta celebrating and partying for a week. IN FACT…you lied and told me you were fine until the moment I touched back down in Mississippi. I couldn’t be mad at that. That was always your way….keeping me anything that could be considered as bad news. A lot of people talk about how angry they are when someone close to them dies. I haven’t reached that stage of grief yet….and I’m not sure if I will. I had time to try to wrap my mind around this thing before it happened (though I know now that nothing could have prepared me for the way that I feel). We had great conversations and laughed all the way to the end.
I just miss you. It just sucks to be left in a family full of guys (you know I love them…..but hell you know your son and husband). I just miss hearing your voice and calling you. I realized that I wouldn’t make a major move until I talked to you first. Now I’m coming up on a season of nothign but MAJOR moves….and I feel kinda lost because I feel as if I need you here to just through it with me. It is damnest times where I miss you the most. Monday Night Football. Work issues. Real Housewives of Atlanta (…who else can I call fifty-leven times in one episode to talk about those stupid hoes, lol). *sighs* Who’s going to help me plan my wedding? Who’s going to help me to be as good of a mother to my child as you are to me? Those are the things that run through my mind all the time.
All I want to do is make you proud. That is thing that I am striving for now. As much as it is important, for God to say “well done” at the end of my life’s journey….I want to hear it from you too. I love you. I will always miss you. Keep me a spot warm up there….you know I’m working to be able to take it.