There have been a lot of changes going on in my life over the past two months. Every time that I try to blog more reguarly and get excited about things that are going on I experience a shift of sorts that takes me clean off the path that I was headed on and down another road that I have never ever seen.
Two months ago, (9/5/12) I went to my 24 week OB checkup. Boo Thang and I were excited. We were going to get another ultrasound to check and see if the baby’s growth had improved since the amniocentesis. Unfortunately, we found out that the baby had no heartbeat. I had just gotten out of the hospital that Friday before, so I was devastated to know that my baby had died almost a week after I was assured everything was okay. I gave birth to my angel baby Gerry at 2:26pm on September 6, 2012. Small but perfect in every way.
I know that God doesn’t make any mistakes and that everything happens for a reason, for for some reason I can’t seem to bounce all the way back from this one. This is grief in a way that I haven’t felt it before. I think it has everything to do with the fact that there is so much guilt involved. When I first got pregnant, I wasn’t that excited. I was actually sad about it for 3 whole days. It was unplanned and I didn’t feel like I was ready. I wasn’t married. I hadn’t acheived most of the goals that I had set for myself before becoming a mother. However, I quickly got attached to the life that was growing inside of me. I feel guilt that my own health issues were what basically ended the pregnancy. I know that I shouldn’t feel this way, but I do. I am definitely on a road to rediscovering myself and what it is that I want.
Have any of you experienced this or any other life altering event? How did you deal with it?