Welcome Back & The Announcement!

I know that my posting hasn’t been worth ish. Access to internet is limited and to be perfectly honest…..sometimes after working on a computer for 8+ hours a day, I really don’t feel like getting on one at home. But I am back and will be posting more regularly. So on to the announcement…..

I am 12 weeks pregnant!!!! It was a shock to both Jay and I, but why it was such a shock is beyond me lol. I’ve been off birth control for health reasons since October 2011. The rhythm method was working so well that I think we forgot that that mess wasn’t foolproof. So I’m going to be a mommy! My first thought was “Noooo…..I’m too young!!!” Then I realized that I am going to turn 29 in August. I’m really running out of time to have pregnancies that aren’t high risk ones. When I saw that positive Clear Blue Easy, I really just panicked. No other way to say it. I always try to schedule things where they go into their perfect place. Kids was supposed to come only after the career get on track and most importantly after marriage. Welp! Change in plans. Every day that passes, the more excited I become about bringing life into the world. The great part about it is that I have a loving partner that will be there every step of the way! So let’s have a drink to me (well y’all drink and I’ll watch). This blog will turn into a journal of my pregnancy with posts, rants, random commentary and pictures throughout the way!!

Review: Silver Sparrow

Silver Sparrow
Silver Sparrow by Tayari Jones

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I picked this book up solely because two of my Goodreads buddies have already read it and were singing their praises. This book has GOT to be the best book that I have read in all of 2011!!

The opening line of the book is “My father, James Witherspoon is a bigamist….” From there on, the story starts to take a life of it’s own. This book is told through the eyes of two sisters. One knows the full story of his father’s double life, the other living in a blissful ignorance until their two worlds forcefully collide. Dana feels that she has had the burden of being a secret and has always had the feeling that she is less than her sister Chaurisse. She has always had to take a back seat to whatever was going on in her father’s other family’s lives. Chaurisse, on the other hand, has always felt extremely lonely and disadvantaged, regardless of all the love that she has received from her mother, father, and uncle.

In all the books that I read, I try to take away from it a lesson that the author might have wanted his/her readers to know. In this book the point seemed to be that parents will mess up their children with the selfishness that they have in their personal lives. Though everyone in this book claimed to have great love for the two girls involved, the adults rared looked past their own needs to see how this was going to put their children at a severe disadvantage when it came to their emotional development. They are the ones who truly lost in the end.

View all my reviews

First Steps

I have moved!!! YES!!!!
The past month has been a flurry of packing, moving and getting things in order to move. I intentionally stopped blogging so that I can get into a less busy head space. I am officially a resident of Madison County….and that feels pretty good. Around my last couple of days left in Oxford, I realized  that I have lived in Oxford for the past 10 years. I moved into Crosby Hall at Ole Miss on June 27, 2001. That was the beginning of the second summer session before my freshman year. I never left. Something about Oxford connected with me. I guess that was because my hometown is the size of a small village. Anything that was a little bigger was better for me. Went to undergrad there. Went to law school there. Then started spinning my wheels there. Great town for a student…..not that great for anyone else there.
I’ve been here almost 3 weeks and it is still kinda weird to call anywhere else home. These are familiar surroundings but I’ve only visited. I am still trying to get out and bump around to make myself more at home. The job search has also began. I may have a job next week….but that is the subject for another post if and when I get the job.
There is also a change with Boo Thang and I. Over the past few days, he has been the most affectionate guy. I have the urge to just reach out and ask him what he did, lol. He’s excited that he got to take me home with him. Can’t be mad at that. We were stuck in a little rut and the change of scenery has done us good….in 3 weeks lol. 
HOWEVER (and what is a happy post without a “but”) I am SO ready to move, lol. We are staying with Boo Thang’s mother and stepdad until we save enough money to move out. I feel like that we have instantly stepped into the role of children. I love his mother to death, but it is so obvious that the absence of children has her happy that we are there. I don’t have any problems, but Boo Thang is seriously annoyed. When he’s annoyed, I’m annoyed. (It just happens like that sometimes.) I haven’t lived at home with my parents for more than a summer in the past ten years, so I understand how much of a culture shock this is for him. All the more reason to get on up, get it together and move on out. It’s going to work itself out though….or y’all will hear about it. 

The Wedding – Drama Edition

So my dad got married this past Saturday. *throws confetti* As much as I was trying to be supportive and go along with this whole match made in heaven  wedded bliss  thing, deep down inside I felt like I was just lying. And I was gonna keep on lying if that made my dad feel good. What else do you do for your parents? Hope for the best, right? Well….it wasn’t quite that way.

Friday: I was just going along trying to get ready for the wedding. Trying to get my hair done, pick out my dress, get my makeup and shoes right. I learned early in life that even if you don’t feel 100% about something, looking the part makes it that much easier. The diva in me was trying to get right, lol. I was out with my little brother just talking and chilling when my dad calls him about the rehearsal. I can hear him on the phone telling him that the rehearsal was at 6 and asking what time were we coming down. We? Excuse me, I am not going down there for a rehearsal. I am not in the wedding. There is no reason for me to be there if I’m not rehearsing for anything. My brother told him as much. Then he wants to get all mad and upset talking about the rehearsal dinner. If I’m not mistaken….isn’t that for the people in the wedding? Never got married before, but all the weddings I’ve been in have followed that protocol. He sounded so hurt that I wasn’t coming that I decided to go down there anyway. What could it hurt? I was only being a spectator. Well I get there and find out that I am being escorted in like they normally escort the mothers and grandmothers in. Weird, but I went along with it. In my mind I thought, “this is the concession F.S.M. made because too many folks told her she was dead ass wrong for not asking me to be apart of this wedding.” One thing was VERY clear from the 3 hour rehearsal. This wedding was completely thrown together. But then again, it kinda has to be when you meet someone in January and marry them in July. It had no order. And they were leaving out parts of the vows. Not just the “speak now or forever hold your peace” part…..but other stuff. It was just very strange. What did I do? Help the wedding coordinator work out the kinks in the service and help with the logistics. I think I owed it to my dad not to have go through a completely ghetto service. By 9 PM, I was finally headed home. Long night ahead of me because messing around with an unplanned rehearsal and dinner caused me NOT to get my hair done.

The Wedding: I am habitually late to things that don’t have anything to do with work. Can’t help it. I’m my father’s daughter. This time my brother stopped by the apartment beforehand to talk…..took an hour off my get ready time. So I’m freaking out. I end up being 10 minutes late to the wedding…….since I live 20 minutes away from the church. Damn. I felt so bad about that. Still feel guilty about it today to be perfectly honest. I know what you all are thinking…..but I wasn’t late on purpose. I had a plan that got me there 30 minutes early. No dice. They said they were going to wait on me. But they didn’t. By my estimates, when my brother told me they were waiting, the moment he hung up the phone they started. Because this was the most abbreviated wedding ceremony in the history of black folks weddings…..they were lighting the unity candle when I got there. I WAS TEN MINUTES LATE!! WHAT THE HELL? It made me sad. I felt like I let people down. BUT…..my other self that is trying to be more concerned about my own feelings was mad that my dad couldn’t wait 10 minutes for his only daughter to get there.  My brother told me that the words that came out of his mouth was “Is F.S.M. here? Well that’s all that matters so we’re gonna start.” Took a chunk out of my heart. He decided to confront me after the wedding. That caused a scene. Boo Thang is the type that when he sees tears roll down my face, he’s trying to figure whose ass needs to be kicked. He was fine until he heard my dad say and I quote “If it had been anything else you would have been on time. You’ve been against this since day one. I deserve to have somebody. I gave you her number to try to get to know her and if you don’t like it, I don’t care, you can just leave.” Wow. And Boo Thang snapped. Hard. Don’t even remember what all he said….just know that he did some heavy duty, in church cursing. Then my brother jumped in on my dad and more cursing ensued. I’m a little bit embarrassed…..but vindicated at the same time. I have mixed emotions about the whole thing. But I do give my little brother and Boo Thang props for having my back. Haven’t talked to my dad since. He caught me when I was leaving trying to hug me and tell me he loved me and was sorry…..but it wasn’t his day so what could he do? I don’t know, Daddy….that one you have to figure out on your own. I take the blame for some stuff….but in other things, I just can’t help how I feel. People kept trying to make it  seem like I have an issue with the marriage when what I really have an issue with is our relationship since he met that woman….I guess now I have to call her S.M. (sounds kinda dirty, lol).
What I did see from the wedding was that the matron of honor had on an identical dress to the bride…..tacky. No one else is supposed to wear white but the bride….and certainly not another wedding dress. The bridesmaids had on green cotton tops and gauchos. I don’t need to say ANYTHING ELSE about that.

  

Daddy Issues Much?

Graduation 2005. Crazy how I don’t have a picture with me and my dad alone. 

Yesterday was Father’s Day. Due to the busyness of the day, I wasn’t able to post like I wanted to. What I was able to do was check into Facebook and Twitter periodically.  Why did I do that? From the moment I woke up, (yea….I check Twitter as soon as I roll over and reach for my phone) I saw all manner of fuckery a timeline filled with daddy issues. Instead of “Happy Father’s Day” tweets, I saw single mothers demanding to be congratulated on that day. I saw people man bashing. I saw deadbeat dad tweets. The trending topic #ilovemydadeventhough made a brief reappearance. WTH?

I applaud single mothers. I think that they are wonderful for doing everything that need to do to raise children on their own. HOWEVER Father’s Day doesn’t have anything to do with them. Mother’s Day was last month. Take Father’s Day as a way to remember your dad if he was around or to pay tribute to a father figure. Don’t man bash. Don’t emasculate. Hell wish your friend that IS a good dad well wishes. All this bitterness has to stop. Who you have sex with is 100% under your control. Truth be told, that man showed all the deadbeat signs BEFORE he got you pregnant. It’s done now though. Love your children and leave the bitterness alone. It doesn’t help them out in the least. And if your father wasn’t around….look at this as the perfect opportunity to make sure that doesn’t become a generational curse. *steps off soapbox*
Now I have a documented issue with my dad right now……but he’s still my dad. He’s not perfect, but he was always there and I’m sure that he’s doing the best he knows how. I’ve always been a Daddy’s girl. So I wouldn’t let anything take away from HIS holiday. I let the issues rest for the day and paid tribute to him. I got up and took him a card after church. Also went to eat lunch with him and F.S.M. (Now honestly folks….I was doing the most today because all of this was EXTRA. He got one. Not doing it again unless someone else initiates it.) It actually was a decent day. No drama at all….and that works for me. 

Grin And Bear It?

My dad is getting remarried on July 2nd.
I have known this little tidbit of information since April, but in my mind I just thought that it wasn’t going to happen. I have no problem with my dad dating. I could tell that he was getting lonely. Who could blame him? If I were married to someone for 28 years and they died, I would have an issue with loneliness myself. So when he met F.S.M. (future stepmother) back in January, I said go forth and prosper. My baby brother (total mama’s boy) pitched the biggest fit about them even dating. He didn’t like it, didn’t stand for it. I had to log what seemed like hundreds of man hours on the phone with him to get him to realize that Daddy dating is probably a good thing. My brother was stuck on the fact that Mama hadn’t even been gone but 7 months.  They had been dating a month before I met her. It was a casual meeting in Walmart of all places. You can’t really tell a lot about a person in 30 minutes or so. What I did see was that she had him smiling, laughing, and giggling like a young person (which if you my dad….is strange in itself). So she was okay with me for the most part. My brother, however, was not accepting her AT ALL.
Fast forward to April. My dad and I are riding in my car to Grenada on a Spain’s run (All North Mississippians know about the discount meat, lol). My feelings toward my dad at that moment were very soft and fragile. Since my dad had been dating, I haven’t seen or heard from him very much. Calls to him left unanswered, text messages where voices used to be. I wanted to use that time to tell him how much I missed him and figure out what the hell was going on. Then we passed by this building and he announces, “that’s the building where me and F.S.M.’s reception is going to be. Did I tell you I was getting married?” HELL NO YOU DIDN’T TELL ME AND YOU KNOW DAMN WELL YOU DIDN’T!!! That was my inside reaction. So my response was, “wow really? When?” To which he replied, “July 2nd. We’ve been engaged since February.” SHUT. THE. FRONT. DOOR. It didn’t make any sense to me. The first anniversary of my mom’s death is June 15 and you mean to tell me you are ready to get married less than a month after that? But what I said was, “why so soon?” The reaction that I got from him was “because I’m grown and I don’t need to be with someone 5 years to know whether or not I want to be with them!” Wow, Daddy. An overreaction and a knock to my life all in the same blow (he was off because me and Boo Thang have only been together 4 years, but whatever). I didn’t like it then, but I said my congratulations. I told him that we all needed to get together with F.S.M. because I don’t even know her and she’s about to become a part of my family. I hadn’t even seen her since we met the first time in January.
Two weeks passed until we got together for dinner. I brought Boo Thang for reinforcements. He knows when I am about to go off before I do, so he works perfectly in what could be heated discussions. F.S.M. was upset that I even asked why they were rushing. She told me that the reason I hadn’t spent time with her was my fault and so was the relationship with my dad. Pump your brakes, bitch I don’t even know! I told her I didn’t have anything against her I just didn’t know her and she was marrying my dad. Obviously this put me off. My dad was silent listening to me and her dialogue…..looking sad, not saying a word. Needless to say, I have only heard my dad’s voice twice since then. Yea, I know it’s June.
Yesterday would have been my mom and dad’s 29th wedding anniversary. Talked to my dad and he was torn up about it. Does that sound like a man ready to get married in less than a month to you? Me either. I didn’t say anything about it when we talked, but I feel like I must say something soon. As for F.S.M……no attempts to get to know me. Forgive me if I’m wrong, but she is supposed to come to me. She’s trying to get in my family, NOT vice versa. My brother is in the wedding. No one asked me to even participate, though my dad really wants me to be there. I feel like I am being shut out and don’t really know why. I guess I should just grin and bear it, but how?
HELP!!! Is this how I’m supposed to feel? Am I really doing something wrong?