30 Day Music Challenge: Day 28 – A Song That Makes You Feel Guilty

Now this song makes me feel just a tad guilty. I am miles away from home and sometimes I don’t even call. No one but my brother calls me….so sometimes I only feel the need to make sure I talk to him on regular basis. This song is all about families…relationships that I really don’t have.

30 Day Music Challenge: Day 4 – A Song That Makes You Sad

Marvin Sapp – Never Would Have Made It

This song was played during the slideshow at my mama’s funeral. It was her favorite gospel song at the time. She turned me on to Marvin Sapp. Every time I hear this song, it takes me right back to that day looking at her casket. It’s a true story though. I wouldn’t be who I am without her.

 

A Letter To My Mother

Dear Mama,

Today marks a whole year since you left here. It’s amazing that it’s been that long. Actually it’s probably been the shortest year of my life. I didn’t think that I would ever get used to you not being here. My faith really is getting me through. It gets a little easier everyday. I still miss your presence. The thousand phone calls a day while watching the same TV shows. The laughter and the fun. You taught me so much about life and for that I’m thankful. It’s really getting put to use now. I think you would be so proud of me. I’m not exactly where I need to be, but I know you would approve of the work ethic.

I think about the days ahead and I get a little sad. I think about all the things that you are gonna miss, all the things I still need guidance for. Wedding, babies…all those milestones. It’s scary to know that I will be doing that without you. But I know you’ll be there in spirit. You are loved and truly missed.

Love always,
Kat

Grin And Bear It?

My dad is getting remarried on July 2nd.
I have known this little tidbit of information since April, but in my mind I just thought that it wasn’t going to happen. I have no problem with my dad dating. I could tell that he was getting lonely. Who could blame him? If I were married to someone for 28 years and they died, I would have an issue with loneliness myself. So when he met F.S.M. (future stepmother) back in January, I said go forth and prosper. My baby brother (total mama’s boy) pitched the biggest fit about them even dating. He didn’t like it, didn’t stand for it. I had to log what seemed like hundreds of man hours on the phone with him to get him to realize that Daddy dating is probably a good thing. My brother was stuck on the fact that Mama hadn’t even been gone but 7 months.  They had been dating a month before I met her. It was a casual meeting in Walmart of all places. You can’t really tell a lot about a person in 30 minutes or so. What I did see was that she had him smiling, laughing, and giggling like a young person (which if you my dad….is strange in itself). So she was okay with me for the most part. My brother, however, was not accepting her AT ALL.
Fast forward to April. My dad and I are riding in my car to Grenada on a Spain’s run (All North Mississippians know about the discount meat, lol). My feelings toward my dad at that moment were very soft and fragile. Since my dad had been dating, I haven’t seen or heard from him very much. Calls to him left unanswered, text messages where voices used to be. I wanted to use that time to tell him how much I missed him and figure out what the hell was going on. Then we passed by this building and he announces, “that’s the building where me and F.S.M.’s reception is going to be. Did I tell you I was getting married?” HELL NO YOU DIDN’T TELL ME AND YOU KNOW DAMN WELL YOU DIDN’T!!! That was my inside reaction. So my response was, “wow really? When?” To which he replied, “July 2nd. We’ve been engaged since February.” SHUT. THE. FRONT. DOOR. It didn’t make any sense to me. The first anniversary of my mom’s death is June 15 and you mean to tell me you are ready to get married less than a month after that? But what I said was, “why so soon?” The reaction that I got from him was “because I’m grown and I don’t need to be with someone 5 years to know whether or not I want to be with them!” Wow, Daddy. An overreaction and a knock to my life all in the same blow (he was off because me and Boo Thang have only been together 4 years, but whatever). I didn’t like it then, but I said my congratulations. I told him that we all needed to get together with F.S.M. because I don’t even know her and she’s about to become a part of my family. I hadn’t even seen her since we met the first time in January.
Two weeks passed until we got together for dinner. I brought Boo Thang for reinforcements. He knows when I am about to go off before I do, so he works perfectly in what could be heated discussions. F.S.M. was upset that I even asked why they were rushing. She told me that the reason I hadn’t spent time with her was my fault and so was the relationship with my dad. Pump your brakes, bitch I don’t even know! I told her I didn’t have anything against her I just didn’t know her and she was marrying my dad. Obviously this put me off. My dad was silent listening to me and her dialogue…..looking sad, not saying a word. Needless to say, I have only heard my dad’s voice twice since then. Yea, I know it’s June.
Yesterday would have been my mom and dad’s 29th wedding anniversary. Talked to my dad and he was torn up about it. Does that sound like a man ready to get married in less than a month to you? Me either. I didn’t say anything about it when we talked, but I feel like I must say something soon. As for F.S.M……no attempts to get to know me. Forgive me if I’m wrong, but she is supposed to come to me. She’s trying to get in my family, NOT vice versa. My brother is in the wedding. No one asked me to even participate, though my dad really wants me to be there. I feel like I am being shut out and don’t really know why. I guess I should just grin and bear it, but how?
HELP!!! Is this how I’m supposed to feel? Am I really doing something wrong?

And Mother’s Day Starts My Vacation…….

Yesterday was Mother’s Day. It was the first Mother’s Day that I have spent without my mom. It made me think back to last year. Mother’s Day Weekend 2010 was when I realized that my mom was sicker than she was telling me she was. A month later she was gone. I didn’t know how yesterday was going to affect me….but I woke up and was fine. I had plans on watching church service (my favorite church UStreams), going to the cemetery to place flowers at my mother’s grave and then going to eat dinner with my Granny. This is NOT how the day went.

Missed church altogether because I overslept. That didn’t bother me too much because I have been really stressed and tired lately. This was my body’s way of telling me to take better care of myself. Got woken out of my sleep by my grandmother telling me that she wasn’t feeling well and that she might have a stomach virus. She said that she still wanted me to come and eat because she cooked dinner. Now I love my granny to death, but she out of all people knows that I have a VERY sensitive system and if I breathe the air of a virus, I am likely to get sick. I immediately went to take a cod liver oil pill, a multivitamin and drink a glass of orange juice (like that was going to anything for a stomach virus….but I prayed about it). In the midst of me getting ready for the day, my brother starts blowing up my phone. This immediately starts me off on the wrong foot. Anytime we are set to anything together, he start blowing my phone up. “Where you at?” “You ready?” “How long until you get ready?” “What time you leaving?” Well, if you would get calling and texting me fiddy-leven times, MAYBE I could get some shit done. Whenever I feel rushed, my blood pressure goes up a bit. Then my grandmother calls back (an hour and a half after I spoke with her the first time) mad as hell that I’m not already down there (regardless that it takes almost an hour to get there) and cussed me out saying that she was going to the doctor.……hangs up in my face and everything. Now this was not the way that the day was supposed to happen. In an hour and a half I am exhausted as hell. So I got back in the bed. My mind went, “skip the dinner, skip the cemetery, get back in the PJs and watch a Madea movie.” And that’s what I TRIED to do. Then my brother calls again (for the fiddy-thirteenth time) saying that my granny was at the ER. 8 hours later, the diagnosis is that she let her blood sugar get too low and got dehydrated. My guess is that Mother’s Day really did take it’s toll on her because she was missing my mom too. Glad Granny is okay. Though she didn’t make it easy on any doctor or nurse. She had one nurse thinking she was feeble!! My granny is the most active old person I’ve ever met! She stayed a whole lot longer than was necessary because she wouldn’t let those people do their jobs. If my expression could talk, everyone got an “Are you f***ing serious?!” look. But a lot of things have to change from today forward.

I don’t feel like anyone in my immediate family respects my time, my feelings, my life, or my sanity. I love them and I know that this has been a rough almost year…..but we gotta get back down to some order in some form or fashion. I can’t DO everything. I can’t BE everywhere. I spent all day, as I have spent the majority of the last year looking out for everyone else’s needs. I don’t even get a thank you. Just “it’s what you were supposed to do” or “what else were you going to be doing.” I have prayed about it because I don’t want to just leave them high and dry….but I do need a little peace. I need to be free from drama for more than a few hours at a time. I need for everything to calm down. Every issue is NOT a DefCon 5 situation! So my phone has been off and in my underwear drawer all day. In case of a real emergency, they have the boo thing’s number and I know they won’t call that for any minor stuff. I’m on strike.

Mixed Feelings

So it’s the week of Christmas. If you asked me 6 months ago how I would feel about this time of year, I probably would’ve said “the show must go on.” Now I feel differently.

Christmas was my mom’s favorite time of year….and this is the first time in my life that I am spending it without her. I just feel really empty and weepy. I thought that I was handling her death really well but something about this time of year is sending me into a tailspin. It’s like I have started back at day 1 with grief. I don’t really wanna go anywhere or do too much. But I’m pushing through in spite of it all. I just never thought that it would be this hard.

Now I’m not totally depressed. I have my good days….then I have a moment in that day. Then I have my bad ones….like today, where I can’t seem to get started. Just praying for strength and guidance. At this point that’s all I can do.

I am grateful for my guy. He been a rock. He knows how I feel and is there for me every step of the way. He lost his dad 2 days after Christmas, so this is always a rough time for him too. He counteracts the loneliness I feel. So here’s to better days….

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

30 Day Letter Challenge: Day 11 – A Deceased Person You Wish You Could Talk To

(NOTE: For reasons that many people who follow my blog are already aware of, I have put off writing this letter for almost a week. So now it is time to actually get these feelings out so that I can move forward with this already too long 30 day challenge, lol.)

Dear Mama,

It’s been a little over 4 months since you passed away. What I can I say? Things are definitely different now that you are gone. It’s amazing how I never really paid attention to how intertwined you were into my life. I guees that’s because I took for granted that you would always be here.

I remember like it was yesterday when you got diagnosed ….summer 2007. I remember that you went to go get some testing done and they found a mass in your lung. I just wanted to go to every appointment to keep you calm and make sure you weren’t freaking out. You found out definitely that it was cancer 2 days before my 24th birthday. You didn’t tell me because I was in Atlanta celebrating and partying for a week. IN FACT…you lied and told me you were fine until the moment I touched back down in Mississippi. I couldn’t be mad at that. That was always your way….keeping me anything that could be considered as bad news.  A lot of people talk about how angry they are when someone close to them dies. I haven’t reached that stage of grief yet….and I’m not sure if I will. I had time to try to wrap my mind around this thing before it happened (though I know now that nothing could have prepared me for the way that I feel). We had great conversations and laughed all the way to the end.

I just miss you. It just sucks to be left in a family full of guys (you know I love them…..but hell you know your son and husband). I just miss hearing your voice and calling you. I realized that I wouldn’t make a major move until I talked to you first. Now I’m coming up on a season of nothign but MAJOR moves….and I feel kinda lost because I feel as if I need you here to just through it with me. It is damnest times where I miss you the most. Monday Night Football. Work issues. Real Housewives of Atlanta (…who else can I call fifty-leven times in one episode to talk about those stupid hoes, lol). *sighs* Who’s going to help me plan my wedding? Who’s going to help me to be as good of a mother to my child as you are to me? Those are the things that run through my mind all the time.

All I want to do is make you proud. That is thing that I am striving for now. As much as it is important, for God to say “well done” at the end of my life’s journey….I want to hear it from you too. I love you. I will always miss you.  Keep me a spot warm up there….you know I’m working to be able to take it.

Love always,
Kat ♥

Saluting My Mother (9/26/58 – 6/15/10)

This is a blog post that I never wanted to write. I have started this post over and over again…never to finish, never to post. My mother, Barbara, passed away in the wee hours of the morning on June 15, 2010….3 days after her and my dad’s 28th wedding anniversary. It’s been almost a month since she has been gone and my life has been surreal ever since. I write this post as a form of healing, since I have not spoken in great detail to too many people about the events of the past 2 months.

Mother’s Day weekend 2010….I went to visit my parents all weekend. It was first time I had spent extended time at home since Christmas. Work schedule was extra crazy so I was just happy to be able to go home. My mom was really depressed that whole weekend. She was so weak that she had not been able to go to church. She had lost the use of her right arm. She was talking about her upcoming doctor’s appointment to see what they could do about that. I just remember feeling sad because she slept almost the whole time I was there. Was just confused because she never wanted to talk to me on the phone and wasn’t really up to spending time with me while I was home. The very next Sunday I get a call in the wee hours of the morning….my mom. She was going to the emergency room. Something wasn’t right and she just wanted to talk to me all the way there. (45 minute trip) Something just went all over me during that conversation and I just started crying. My mom, being her usual feisty self, made me put my boyfriend on the phone to make him calm me down, lol. She made me go to work and not even come over there until after I got off. She found out once she got there that the cancer had spread. There was a lesion on her brain and her doctors didn’t think that there was anything else that they could do. All treatments for the past year were not working. Her main oncologist wanted to keep trying. Mom chose to cut her losses and enjoy whatever time she had left. She stayed in the hospital for a week until she could get placed into hospice care. This was May 16, 2010.

There wasn’t a time table placed on how long she had. She seemed so much better without all that chemo. She perked up and was the healthiest I have seen her in past year…..all except for that arm. I was under the impression that she would eventually come home against all odds. She planned EVERYTHING. Funeral was planned in about 2 days….told to me and my brother every single detail. My dad wasn’t trying to hear any of that. I was driving back and forth almost everyday just to spend time….lay eyes on her.

About a week or so before she passed she just stopped eating. Slept a lot more. Talked a lot less. I had started going about twice a week by then. Being in hospitals freak me out and it was making me weary. That last week I just kept putting off going. The whole family was there together that last day. She just looked as if she was suffering. It broke my heart because it seemed like she was struggling to live. I kept thinking to myself, “I don’t know how many times I can come over here and see her like this.” She was non-responsive that whole time. The brightest spot of the day was when I came in and said “hey Mama!”. She opened her eyes and looked at me for a minute and closed them. They said it was the most she had done all day.

I couldn’t sleep at all that night after I got back home. Jay (the boyfriend) stayed up with me until I went to sleep….which was a little after 4 a.m. according to him. My dad called me right before 7 and told me that she died….a little after 4 a.m.!

I am so thankful for the time that I have shared with my mom. Almost 27 years of my life. I wish that she could be here for all of the milestones that you really need your mother for…..my wedding, my first child. I just hope that I can take all that she taught me and become that woman that she wanted me to be. And on that note…..I must sign off.