Monday Randoms….

I really hate my job. It is getting more and more apparent that it is time to go.

I wish the sun would come out. I need sun like a plant does.

I still haven’t put up a Christmas tree. I’m trying very hard to get in the Christmas spirit but stress has my mind elsewhere.

I was happier when I was broke….

I’m Stressed Out…..

….and I’m tired of feeling this tired ALL THE TIME. I am 30 years old and my body just can not handle it well. AT ALL.

I went to get a root canal last Wednesday. I am fully aware as I sit down in the chair that this root canal is going to take up my insurance allowance for the year and I need to wait til the end of the year to get the crown so it can  be filed next year. This was planned by my primary dentist and I. HOWEVER….this little hotshot dental assistant proceeds to tell me all of the details and what my out of pocket costs were going to be. Apparently my cracked tooth was doing the most because I needed some posts and some more ish (*side eye*)….to the tune of $500 cost to me. Then asks if I was going to make the whole payment today. Then takes my blood pressure…..which was 170/110.

I’m 30 years old and money I don’t have stresses me out. I work at a high stress job that is nowhere near my hopes, ambitions and dreams that doesn’t pay nearly enough for the stress that it causes. I’m overworked, underpaid and I don’t feel appreciated…..except at home. But I am rarely there. I’m 30 years old on 2 different blood pressure medications….which I recently stopped taking just as a test (won’t be doing that again….seems like the dumbest idea I’ve had). I have severe anxiety, insomnia and I worry about everything. Why am I this high strung?!

Today I am done. It’s time to start looking for things that make me happy. I need a new job. I need a new city to live in. I need to feel comfortable and stable.

In Search of Fulfillment

Last Monday was my first day back at work after my second eye surgery. (Sounds like deja vu, doesn’t it?) I swear that Sunday night I had butterflies out of this world and my sleep was restless and fitful. This is totally not good. I had a 3 day weekend and I am experiencing the same symptoms. This is NOT good. I’ve been working for this communications company for a year and 5 months.

The pay is good and with commission, I bring in good money. I love my co-workers. HOWEVER, the cubicle life is leaving me wanting so much more. The stress of the job almost isn’t worth the money. My shift sucks (although I can’t complain about that anymore since I do get a new one starting in exactly a month.) I have so much stress and anxiety before my shift starts. It usually passes once I get there, but it shouldn’t be like that. I NEED AND CRAVE fulfillment in my job and life.

It’s not just the job. I just need something different. I need to do something that makes me feel like I am doing something that matters….whether or not I get paid for it. It’s time to re-examine the bar exam. For real. One more go at it. Outside of the state of Mississippi. I sat that dream on the shelf because it was taking too long. That wasn’t fair to myself. Something has got to give.

The Shit You Say!

The more I travel through life and as I get older, I realize that people will say damn near anything to you and think it’s okay. Over the past couple of months, I have noticed that Boo Thing and I have endured what I feel like is verbal warfare! Maybe that’s how they do things in down here, but where I come from, some of the things that people let roll so freely from their tongues is grounds to get that head beat to the white meat  get cursed out. When people say things to me that I feel are ridiculous or ludicrous, my general response is “the shit you say!!” 

Example: Friend: Girl, did you hear that Diddy was a part of the Illuminati and sacrificed Biggie so that he could get famous. Me: *side eye* The shit you say! (I have to work on my profanity at some point.)

I have tried to laugh it off with the person (since obviously laughter from the speaker means that I shouldn’t get upset *sarcasm*). I have tried the blank stare and silence method (which prompts people to keep going to get a response). My next method is going to be the snap back method, which I happen to be very good at. Boo Thang chooses the blank stare and silence method over all else because…..well to put it nicely, Boo Thang’s verbal jabs are the equivalent to a fatality in Mortal Combat. They are hilarious to me, but it hurts other folks feelings, so he chooses not to.

Here are some examples on the lovely game of The Shit You Say:

  • Why are you coming outside looking like a drag queen? When is this EVER something that you say to a woman? To her face? Now it would have been a different story if I had on outlandish clothes and a ton of makeup. I was wearing jeans, t-shirt, an Ole Miss hoodie, and a pair of Clarks Wallabees (that are least 6 years old at this point). My hair was in a wrap with that little mesh holder thingy. My point is….I WAS SLUMMING IT. Now if you want to tell me that a lady should leave the house looking better than that, fine. If you want to say I look too dressed down, fine. But a drag queen? Get cussed out. 
  • I don’t know why you sitting around doing nothing and not trying to take the bar exam again. First of all, the fact that you know I am not going to a 9 to 5 every day doesn’t give you the license to assume what the hell I do with my time on a daily basis. Since you’re so concerned about my career, go on ahead and give me $550 for the exam fees and the $1900 for the prep classes. Can’t do that? Sounds like you need to find you some business then, huh? 
  • Every time I see you, looks like you are getting bigger and bigger. Too easy. When you go from a size 26 to a 0 Jennifer Hudson style, only THEN may you comment on my weight. Until then, you need to get your fat ass out here and walk 3 miles a day with me. 
  • You must be content to let Boo Thang make all the money? When our monetary decisions start to affect you, then you ask me these questions?
I try to be nice, but folks make it hard. 
Have you experienced this? Are people too quick to overstep their boundaries with you? Let’s discuss!



A Change In CIrcumstances

Sometimes I feel like when it rains, it pours. I have been extra pouty over the last couple of days because every time something seems to look up in my life, it somehow takes an extra turn and goes a little sour for me. I am one of those people that is a little afraid to get excited about certain things because I don’t want to be disappointed later on. So here’s what’s been going on.

  1. The start date of my new job has been delayed until January 23rd. I was told that it was delayed because even though they have me in the system they have not started on my background check as of November 14th….the date that I was supposed to start. This is extra irritating to me because I have been on the phone with those people back and forth since I got hired. I’ve been breaking my neck trying to find old W2s and checkstubs (which proved to be hard because we have moved and still haven’t found a new place for important documents to go) to fax in to them. I think that if I am being prompt then as a business you should be too. I feel really bad about this because Boo Thang has since picked up a second job. Mind you he did this because he wanted to have extra Christmas money, but it LOOKS like he’s slaving away while I am at home doing nothing (at least this is what I heard it looks like *rolls eyes*). I was looking forward to this job because it means that we could get our own place really soon…..but it looks like that dream is deferred.
  2. My computer crashed. It has EVERYTHING on it. Plus it was my best mode of entertainment thus far. Bye, HP…..it’s been fun.
  3. My dad is depressed because it doesn’t seem like his marriage is working…..after 4 months and 15 days. I told him that shit was not going to work back in June sympathize with him just a little bit. That’s my daddy. He really is good people….too good to be mistreated by an immature, insecure golddigger.
  4. Boo Thang and I need our own place. ASAP. I am starting not to feel like an adult anymore and this is a SERIOUS problem for me as I have always been a pretty independent person.

So these are my gripes. They are all workable….but sometimes it just feels good to pout about it, listen to slow jams and drink wine.
I feel

Oh Granny….

Who doesn’t love their grandmother? I do!! She can cook her ass off, was great for the weekend getaway when I was tired of my parents and she’s sweet as pie. Since my mom died last year, Ms. Grandma (yes, that’s what I call her) has been abnormally clingy. Since my mom is her daughter and we are the only grandkids that still live in state (and only an hour away), I didn’t mind that she wanted to see more of us. That was until my visits became not enough. Since Mother’s Day, I’ve been on strike until I get some kind of inkling that my feelings are being respected and taken into account. Not to mention that my days are pretty full with looking for a job, coordinating a move and just trying to regain a sense of normalcy, and trying to get my car fixed. I just really haven’t felt like being bothered. I know that’s kinda awful. I feel bad about it….a little bit.
Last night, Ms. Grandma calls me and the tone is harsh from the first hello. No “hey, how you doing” just “y’all just don’t call me at all no more, huh?!” *sighs* I JUST TALKED TO HER a few days ago. This call was one to convince me not to move. As have the last few calls have been. That’s the real reason she’s angry. Every time we talk it’s all the same “concerns” with a new one added in to just throw me off. It’s quite irritating. Here are a few of the tactics:
Why are you even moving way down there in the first place?” It’s really only 2 1/2 hours, first off. I need to find a job ASAP. The job opportunities up here are non-existent for me unless I want to work at a factory. So I am going there for better networking, since all my colleagues are there and so I can have a better chance to get a job. I don’t have any children or anything that’s tying me here….so why not? (that always pisses her off)
How do you know that Boo Thang’s mama wants you to stay there?” As I have explained 1000 times, staying with his mom is temporary until a security deposit for a new place to stay is saved. Won’t be there past October….and the end of the year is pushing it. Besides, she wanted me to come down there and stay with her by myself a year and a half ago because she thought I would find a better job down there….so this isn’t much of a stretch.
How do you know you’re going to be able to even find a job down there?” Well, I can’t do any worse down there than I’m doing up here, can I? (Way to go for the support, though)
What is your brother going to do if you leave? I sure wish you would think about that and not leave him here by himself!!” Umm….you do know he is 22 years old right? He’s not a baby and if people would quit having that attitude about the situation, everyone would be better off. He’s a guy. He has to learn how to make it on his own at SOME point.
Why are you running away?” (This is in reference to my dad getting married.) I’m not running away. This decision was made long before I even knew they were getting married. We are just moving south and not north like we originally planned for money’s sake. Them getting married just made the decision all the more comforting.
To do this once a week is really exhausting. I love my Granny to death. I really do….but a little support is all I’m asking for. Can I get ONE thing? 

The Wedding – Drama Edition

So my dad got married this past Saturday. *throws confetti* As much as I was trying to be supportive and go along with this whole match made in heaven  wedded bliss  thing, deep down inside I felt like I was just lying. And I was gonna keep on lying if that made my dad feel good. What else do you do for your parents? Hope for the best, right? Well….it wasn’t quite that way.

Friday: I was just going along trying to get ready for the wedding. Trying to get my hair done, pick out my dress, get my makeup and shoes right. I learned early in life that even if you don’t feel 100% about something, looking the part makes it that much easier. The diva in me was trying to get right, lol. I was out with my little brother just talking and chilling when my dad calls him about the rehearsal. I can hear him on the phone telling him that the rehearsal was at 6 and asking what time were we coming down. We? Excuse me, I am not going down there for a rehearsal. I am not in the wedding. There is no reason for me to be there if I’m not rehearsing for anything. My brother told him as much. Then he wants to get all mad and upset talking about the rehearsal dinner. If I’m not mistaken….isn’t that for the people in the wedding? Never got married before, but all the weddings I’ve been in have followed that protocol. He sounded so hurt that I wasn’t coming that I decided to go down there anyway. What could it hurt? I was only being a spectator. Well I get there and find out that I am being escorted in like they normally escort the mothers and grandmothers in. Weird, but I went along with it. In my mind I thought, “this is the concession F.S.M. made because too many folks told her she was dead ass wrong for not asking me to be apart of this wedding.” One thing was VERY clear from the 3 hour rehearsal. This wedding was completely thrown together. But then again, it kinda has to be when you meet someone in January and marry them in July. It had no order. And they were leaving out parts of the vows. Not just the “speak now or forever hold your peace” part…..but other stuff. It was just very strange. What did I do? Help the wedding coordinator work out the kinks in the service and help with the logistics. I think I owed it to my dad not to have go through a completely ghetto service. By 9 PM, I was finally headed home. Long night ahead of me because messing around with an unplanned rehearsal and dinner caused me NOT to get my hair done.

The Wedding: I am habitually late to things that don’t have anything to do with work. Can’t help it. I’m my father’s daughter. This time my brother stopped by the apartment beforehand to talk…..took an hour off my get ready time. So I’m freaking out. I end up being 10 minutes late to the wedding…….since I live 20 minutes away from the church. Damn. I felt so bad about that. Still feel guilty about it today to be perfectly honest. I know what you all are thinking…..but I wasn’t late on purpose. I had a plan that got me there 30 minutes early. No dice. They said they were going to wait on me. But they didn’t. By my estimates, when my brother told me they were waiting, the moment he hung up the phone they started. Because this was the most abbreviated wedding ceremony in the history of black folks weddings…..they were lighting the unity candle when I got there. I WAS TEN MINUTES LATE!! WHAT THE HELL? It made me sad. I felt like I let people down. BUT…..my other self that is trying to be more concerned about my own feelings was mad that my dad couldn’t wait 10 minutes for his only daughter to get there.  My brother told me that the words that came out of his mouth was “Is F.S.M. here? Well that’s all that matters so we’re gonna start.” Took a chunk out of my heart. He decided to confront me after the wedding. That caused a scene. Boo Thang is the type that when he sees tears roll down my face, he’s trying to figure whose ass needs to be kicked. He was fine until he heard my dad say and I quote “If it had been anything else you would have been on time. You’ve been against this since day one. I deserve to have somebody. I gave you her number to try to get to know her and if you don’t like it, I don’t care, you can just leave.” Wow. And Boo Thang snapped. Hard. Don’t even remember what all he said….just know that he did some heavy duty, in church cursing. Then my brother jumped in on my dad and more cursing ensued. I’m a little bit embarrassed…..but vindicated at the same time. I have mixed emotions about the whole thing. But I do give my little brother and Boo Thang props for having my back. Haven’t talked to my dad since. He caught me when I was leaving trying to hug me and tell me he loved me and was sorry…..but it wasn’t his day so what could he do? I don’t know, Daddy….that one you have to figure out on your own. I take the blame for some stuff….but in other things, I just can’t help how I feel. People kept trying to make it  seem like I have an issue with the marriage when what I really have an issue with is our relationship since he met that woman….I guess now I have to call her S.M. (sounds kinda dirty, lol).
What I did see from the wedding was that the matron of honor had on an identical dress to the bride…..tacky. No one else is supposed to wear white but the bride….and certainly not another wedding dress. The bridesmaids had on green cotton tops and gauchos. I don’t need to say ANYTHING ELSE about that.

  

Grin And Bear It?

My dad is getting remarried on July 2nd.
I have known this little tidbit of information since April, but in my mind I just thought that it wasn’t going to happen. I have no problem with my dad dating. I could tell that he was getting lonely. Who could blame him? If I were married to someone for 28 years and they died, I would have an issue with loneliness myself. So when he met F.S.M. (future stepmother) back in January, I said go forth and prosper. My baby brother (total mama’s boy) pitched the biggest fit about them even dating. He didn’t like it, didn’t stand for it. I had to log what seemed like hundreds of man hours on the phone with him to get him to realize that Daddy dating is probably a good thing. My brother was stuck on the fact that Mama hadn’t even been gone but 7 months.  They had been dating a month before I met her. It was a casual meeting in Walmart of all places. You can’t really tell a lot about a person in 30 minutes or so. What I did see was that she had him smiling, laughing, and giggling like a young person (which if you my dad….is strange in itself). So she was okay with me for the most part. My brother, however, was not accepting her AT ALL.
Fast forward to April. My dad and I are riding in my car to Grenada on a Spain’s run (All North Mississippians know about the discount meat, lol). My feelings toward my dad at that moment were very soft and fragile. Since my dad had been dating, I haven’t seen or heard from him very much. Calls to him left unanswered, text messages where voices used to be. I wanted to use that time to tell him how much I missed him and figure out what the hell was going on. Then we passed by this building and he announces, “that’s the building where me and F.S.M.’s reception is going to be. Did I tell you I was getting married?” HELL NO YOU DIDN’T TELL ME AND YOU KNOW DAMN WELL YOU DIDN’T!!! That was my inside reaction. So my response was, “wow really? When?” To which he replied, “July 2nd. We’ve been engaged since February.” SHUT. THE. FRONT. DOOR. It didn’t make any sense to me. The first anniversary of my mom’s death is June 15 and you mean to tell me you are ready to get married less than a month after that? But what I said was, “why so soon?” The reaction that I got from him was “because I’m grown and I don’t need to be with someone 5 years to know whether or not I want to be with them!” Wow, Daddy. An overreaction and a knock to my life all in the same blow (he was off because me and Boo Thang have only been together 4 years, but whatever). I didn’t like it then, but I said my congratulations. I told him that we all needed to get together with F.S.M. because I don’t even know her and she’s about to become a part of my family. I hadn’t even seen her since we met the first time in January.
Two weeks passed until we got together for dinner. I brought Boo Thang for reinforcements. He knows when I am about to go off before I do, so he works perfectly in what could be heated discussions. F.S.M. was upset that I even asked why they were rushing. She told me that the reason I hadn’t spent time with her was my fault and so was the relationship with my dad. Pump your brakes, bitch I don’t even know! I told her I didn’t have anything against her I just didn’t know her and she was marrying my dad. Obviously this put me off. My dad was silent listening to me and her dialogue…..looking sad, not saying a word. Needless to say, I have only heard my dad’s voice twice since then. Yea, I know it’s June.
Yesterday would have been my mom and dad’s 29th wedding anniversary. Talked to my dad and he was torn up about it. Does that sound like a man ready to get married in less than a month to you? Me either. I didn’t say anything about it when we talked, but I feel like I must say something soon. As for F.S.M……no attempts to get to know me. Forgive me if I’m wrong, but she is supposed to come to me. She’s trying to get in my family, NOT vice versa. My brother is in the wedding. No one asked me to even participate, though my dad really wants me to be there. I feel like I am being shut out and don’t really know why. I guess I should just grin and bear it, but how?
HELP!!! Is this how I’m supposed to feel? Am I really doing something wrong?

And Mother’s Day Starts My Vacation…….

Yesterday was Mother’s Day. It was the first Mother’s Day that I have spent without my mom. It made me think back to last year. Mother’s Day Weekend 2010 was when I realized that my mom was sicker than she was telling me she was. A month later she was gone. I didn’t know how yesterday was going to affect me….but I woke up and was fine. I had plans on watching church service (my favorite church UStreams), going to the cemetery to place flowers at my mother’s grave and then going to eat dinner with my Granny. This is NOT how the day went.

Missed church altogether because I overslept. That didn’t bother me too much because I have been really stressed and tired lately. This was my body’s way of telling me to take better care of myself. Got woken out of my sleep by my grandmother telling me that she wasn’t feeling well and that she might have a stomach virus. She said that she still wanted me to come and eat because she cooked dinner. Now I love my granny to death, but she out of all people knows that I have a VERY sensitive system and if I breathe the air of a virus, I am likely to get sick. I immediately went to take a cod liver oil pill, a multivitamin and drink a glass of orange juice (like that was going to anything for a stomach virus….but I prayed about it). In the midst of me getting ready for the day, my brother starts blowing up my phone. This immediately starts me off on the wrong foot. Anytime we are set to anything together, he start blowing my phone up. “Where you at?” “You ready?” “How long until you get ready?” “What time you leaving?” Well, if you would get calling and texting me fiddy-leven times, MAYBE I could get some shit done. Whenever I feel rushed, my blood pressure goes up a bit. Then my grandmother calls back (an hour and a half after I spoke with her the first time) mad as hell that I’m not already down there (regardless that it takes almost an hour to get there) and cussed me out saying that she was going to the doctor.……hangs up in my face and everything. Now this was not the way that the day was supposed to happen. In an hour and a half I am exhausted as hell. So I got back in the bed. My mind went, “skip the dinner, skip the cemetery, get back in the PJs and watch a Madea movie.” And that’s what I TRIED to do. Then my brother calls again (for the fiddy-thirteenth time) saying that my granny was at the ER. 8 hours later, the diagnosis is that she let her blood sugar get too low and got dehydrated. My guess is that Mother’s Day really did take it’s toll on her because she was missing my mom too. Glad Granny is okay. Though she didn’t make it easy on any doctor or nurse. She had one nurse thinking she was feeble!! My granny is the most active old person I’ve ever met! She stayed a whole lot longer than was necessary because she wouldn’t let those people do their jobs. If my expression could talk, everyone got an “Are you f***ing serious?!” look. But a lot of things have to change from today forward.

I don’t feel like anyone in my immediate family respects my time, my feelings, my life, or my sanity. I love them and I know that this has been a rough almost year…..but we gotta get back down to some order in some form or fashion. I can’t DO everything. I can’t BE everywhere. I spent all day, as I have spent the majority of the last year looking out for everyone else’s needs. I don’t even get a thank you. Just “it’s what you were supposed to do” or “what else were you going to be doing.” I have prayed about it because I don’t want to just leave them high and dry….but I do need a little peace. I need to be free from drama for more than a few hours at a time. I need for everything to calm down. Every issue is NOT a DefCon 5 situation! So my phone has been off and in my underwear drawer all day. In case of a real emergency, they have the boo thing’s number and I know they won’t call that for any minor stuff. I’m on strike.

Back From Another Blog Vacation….

Dang….I can’t believe that the last time I posted here was February 9th. This hiatus was actually needed. I took the Mississippi Bar Exam last week. I had been studying for about 6 months full time. Those last couple of weeks were crunch time.

The bar exam was 3 days worth of mental hell and if I see any of the essay drafters I am fucking them up on sight mentally taxing….to say the least. I don’t know how I feel about it. The first day was kinda difficult. All Mississippi state law. 6 essays. One hour a piece. I totally messed up the Unified Chancery Practice and Business Organization questions. The second day was WAY too easy….makes up for the first day. The third day was the multiple choice MBE. *sighs* I can only hope for the best. Results come out in mid-April.

Now that I am unrestricted and my mind is clear, I can give my all to my blog. Get ready, readers!