Grief…..

There have been a lot of changes going on in my life over the past two months. Every time that I try to blog more reguarly and get excited about things that are going on I experience a shift of sorts that takes me clean off the path that I was headed on and down another road that I have never ever seen.

Two months ago, (9/5/12) I went to my 24 week OB checkup. Boo Thang and I were excited. We were going to get another ultrasound to check and see if the baby’s growth had improved since the amniocentesis. Unfortunately, we found out that the baby had no heartbeat. I had just gotten out of the hospital that Friday before, so I was devastated to know that my baby had died almost a week after I was assured everything was okay. I gave birth to my angel baby Gerry at 2:26pm on September 6, 2012. Small but perfect in every way.

I know that God doesn’t make any mistakes and that everything happens for a reason, for for some reason I can’t seem to bounce all the way back from this one. This is grief in a way that I haven’t felt it before. I think it has everything to do with the fact that there is so much guilt involved. When I first got pregnant, I wasn’t that excited. I was actually sad about it for 3 whole days. It was unplanned and I didn’t feel like I was ready. I wasn’t married. I hadn’t acheived most of the goals that I had set for myself before becoming a mother. However, I quickly got attached to the life that was growing inside of me. I feel guilt that my own health issues were what basically ended the pregnancy. I know that I shouldn’t feel this way, but I do. I am definitely on a road to rediscovering myself and what it is that I want.

Have any of you experienced this or any other life altering event? How did you deal with it?

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Week 18: Off To A Rocky Start

I am 18 weeks along in my pregnancy, 22 weeks to go……whoo hoo!

At my last appointment, I had a blood pressure screening. My blood pressure was reading too high (155/95), too many times in a row for my doctor’s liking…..so she put me on blood pressure meds. (Eek!) It’s back down to a normal range, thank God. The last thing I want are any complications. I really need to get my health together. I’m really to young to be on blood pressure meds. I want to be around as long as possible for my baby.

At this same appointment, I took the AFP screening for birth defects. I always said I wanted this test….and that notion is good only in theory. After playing phone tag with my doctor all day Tuesday, I learned that the test came back abnormal. I think I cried 2 whole hours after that. I kept (….well I still do) keep thinking what did I do wrong. I did keep forgetting to take prenatal vitamins. My diet is RANDOM…I see food and eat it. The main reason I wanted the test in the first place is because autism and what is probably undiagnosed Downs run on my dad’s side of the family. Now I’m terrified. Then I got on the internet……

…..and realized abnormal means nothing til I know the details. I have my anatomy scan (finally find out pink or blue!) next week, then an appointment with a fetal medicine and genetic specialist (praises go up for great insurance). So please keep me in your prayers. Hopefully I won’t have a nervous breakdown between now and then.

Worries and Fears

As exciting as being pregnant is, there are so many things that I’m deathly afraid of. I don’t think I’ve been this nervous in life……and I thought I’d done some pretty important things beforehand. Nope. Not really. So here are my fears…..in no particular order. 1. What if something happens to the baby?! Now this might be an irrational fear, but I am afraid of not carrying this baby to term. Every tweak or twinge scares the beejeezus out of me sometimes. 2. What in the world have I gotten myself into? I’ve prided myself on being 28 with no kids by choice. Am I really ready? 3. Am I going to be a good parent? 4. How in the world am I gonna do this without my mama? This one stays in the back of my mind. She was my rock and better half LOL. I’m really hoping that she’s gearing up for some ghost appearances….I need her. *sighs* 5. Is my relationship going to change? 6. I still have so many things to do in life….can I still get these things done? These things and more have me sleeping like 30 minutes at a time at night. Did anyone else have similar fears with their first child?