I’m Stressed Out…..

….and I’m tired of feeling this tired ALL THE TIME. I am 30 years old and my body just can not handle it well. AT ALL.

I went to get a root canal last Wednesday. I am fully aware as I sit down in the chair that this root canal is going to take up my insurance allowance for the year and I need to wait til the end of the year to get the crown so it can ┬ábe filed next year. This was planned by my primary dentist and I. HOWEVER….this little hotshot dental assistant proceeds to tell me all of the details and what my out of pocket costs were going to be. Apparently my cracked tooth was doing the most because I needed some posts and some more ish (*side eye*)….to the tune of $500 cost to me. Then asks if I was going to make the whole payment today. Then takes my blood pressure…..which was 170/110.

I’m 30 years old and money I don’t have stresses me out. I work at a high stress job that is nowhere near my hopes, ambitions and dreams that doesn’t pay nearly enough for the stress that it causes. I’m overworked, underpaid and I don’t feel appreciated…..except at home. But I am rarely there. I’m 30 years old on 2 different blood pressure medications….which I recently stopped taking just as a test (won’t be doing that again….seems like the dumbest idea I’ve had). I have severe anxiety, insomnia and I worry about everything. Why am I this high strung?!

Today I am done. It’s time to start looking for things that make me happy. I need a new job. I need a new city to live in. I need to feel comfortable and stable.

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Week 18: Off To A Rocky Start

I am 18 weeks along in my pregnancy, 22 weeks to go……whoo hoo!

At my last appointment, I had a blood pressure screening. My blood pressure was reading too high (155/95), too many times in a row for my doctor’s liking…..so she put me on blood pressure meds. (Eek!) It’s back down to a normal range, thank God. The last thing I want are any complications. I really need to get my health together. I’m really to young to be on blood pressure meds. I want to be around as long as possible for my baby.

At this same appointment, I took the AFP screening for birth defects. I always said I wanted this test….and that notion is good only in theory. After playing phone tag with my doctor all day Tuesday, I learned that the test came back abnormal. I think I cried 2 whole hours after that. I kept (….well I still do) keep thinking what did I do wrong. I did keep forgetting to take prenatal vitamins. My diet is RANDOM…I see food and eat it. The main reason I wanted the test in the first place is because autism and what is probably undiagnosed Downs run on my dad’s side of the family. Now I’m terrified. Then I got on the internet……

…..and realized abnormal means nothing til I know the details. I have my anatomy scan (finally find out pink or blue!) next week, then an appointment with a fetal medicine and genetic specialist (praises go up for great insurance). So please keep me in your prayers. Hopefully I won’t have a nervous breakdown between now and then.

Worries and Fears

As exciting as being pregnant is, there are so many things that I’m deathly afraid of. I don’t think I’ve been this nervous in life……and I thought I’d done some pretty important things beforehand. Nope. Not really. So here are my fears…..in no particular order. 1. What if something happens to the baby?! Now this might be an irrational fear, but I am afraid of not carrying this baby to term. Every tweak or twinge scares the beejeezus out of me sometimes. 2. What in the world have I gotten myself into? I’ve prided myself on being 28 with no kids by choice. Am I really ready? 3. Am I going to be a good parent? 4. How in the world am I gonna do this without my mama? This one stays in the back of my mind. She was my rock and better half LOL. I’m really hoping that she’s gearing up for some ghost appearances….I need her. *sighs* 5. Is my relationship going to change? 6. I still have so many things to do in life….can I still get these things done? These things and more have me sleeping like 30 minutes at a time at night. Did anyone else have similar fears with their first child?